I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Genius idea!!
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Aight bet
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*3.5 thank you very much.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones