If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
car not found
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Happy Caturday!
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars