Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
one of
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”