[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?