If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
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Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Everyone’s family
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism