[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*