Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
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accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Accurate
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.