God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
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Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.