There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
それは草
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly