When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*