“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
#CoronaOutbreak
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?