*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
wishing you and yours all the best
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
My time has come.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.