Hello, my name is Pierre.
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Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.