[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper