My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*