I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
He wanted to make sure😂
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
They also CAN sing✌️
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.