COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Not my job 😂
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!