WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”