a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.