Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.