has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
😂💯
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.