I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
monday
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.