Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.