Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
your elf on the shelf was delicious
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
At least try to make it slightly believable
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.