I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
accurate
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him