The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.