[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Can’t. Being lazy.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.