WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
That was easy.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.