Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Lmao the reply
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.