Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.