My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No