That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
The fall of Netflix
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.