I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
going to the ER y’all need anything
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.