Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.