Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
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The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Google assistant rules
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber