I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
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Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.