what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
You Might Also Like
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
How it started How it’s going