how do y’all walk in shallow water
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“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.