starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
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Festive toon…
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
6: are snakes just neck?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My new favorite headline
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now