genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
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8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*