Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
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In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)