Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
handsome & gretel
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.