Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
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Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
(Electricians.)
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.