Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Buck naked
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”