SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
You Might Also Like
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.