In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
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My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity