she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
You Might Also Like
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
omg leave her alone
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.