if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
For cardio I live beyond my means.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son