time machine? you mean a clock?
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Brother?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.