I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL